Definitive funny guide to cleaning gemstones

We at Jewels and Finery have written many guide to cleaning jewellery on our website. Our latest is for cleaning gemstones. After writing this latest guide we thought it would be more unique to write the more definitive guide to cleaning gemstones here. Have fun and enjoy!

All gemstone jewellery will get dirty over time including  vintage jewellery and antique jewellery.
This is a definitive guide to cleaning your gemstone jewellery, but if ever in doubt then consult a specialist jeweler.

Ideally you should wipe your jewellery with a soft lint free cloth after wear to remove any oil or salts. But just occasionally you should try to clean it a more thoroughly with a cleaning solution or by a machine method such as steam or ultrasonic cleaning. Care should be taken with gems though and the following is the definitive guide to the care of individual stones (prong set into a piece of jewellery and not glued in place).

Alexandrite
Normal care of cloth wiping and can use a steam cleaner but NOT a ultrasonic cleaner.

 

This green good luck gemstone should also be worn with care if you are having liposuction surgery. That is why all jewellery is removed prior to this technique. Some forms of liposuction uses ultrasonic waves and if the gem is loose in its setting it can fall out into the wound. It will give you a lumpy skin appearance which kind of defeats the lipo' process! 

Amethyst

Take extra care not to expose this gemstone for long periods to sunlight as it can fade the colour. Wipe care suitable with the use of a steam cleaner but NOT an ultrasonic cleaner.

So we recommend that you should remove your favorite amethyst jewellery set of earrings, necklace, ring, body piercings and ankle chain. Why? Because wrapped in towels from head to foot by the sun soaked pool side is not a good look. However on the other hand you will have lovely un-faded amethysts, pity about the tan though! 

Aquamarine

Wipe care suitable with steam cleaning suitable as well. Not to use an ultrasonic cleaner though.

This beautiful blue calming Aquamarine gem should not under any circumstances be cleaned with the surgical instruments following your liposuction treatment. Defiantly not a good idea to slip it into the dirty surgical tool tray as you pass by on the trolley. You may never see it again, as well as the strong chance of being sued by the surgical cosmetic company for damages ensued. 

Citrine

Wipe care suitable with steam cleaning recommended but NOT the use of an ultrasonic cleaner.

The lovely lemon coloured Citrine stone is thought to aid digestion. This is by wearing it, not swallowing that pretty yellow citrine ring. The resulting ultrasonic MRI scan will probably damage the gem. That is the MRI scan that you will be sent for to discover why you are have excruciating stomach pains. Besides would you want to wear it again when you finally get it back!   

Diamonds

Both clear and colour enhanced diamonds will benefit from routine wipe care. They can be cleaned more thoroughly in a steam and an ultrasonic cleaner.

Diamond are a girls best friend. They are so tough that they will stand the endless washing up, perpetual house cleaning, obligatory gardening, washing the families clothes (have you noticed that nearly every garment says hand-wash now days?), cleaning the windows including the ones upstairs. If you fall you will break everything accept your diamond necklace, bathing the kids, changing nappies, washing the dog (though don't let him eat your diamond ring....), shopping for frozen food, cleaning the freezer and fridge........... Diamonds are so tough.

Emeralds

Only recommended to use a wipe cleaning method. NOT to be cleaned in a steam or ultrasonic cleaner.

So this is one of the pussies of the gemstone world. You can not steam clean the carpets or have liposuction. Just because your other half said that your thighs were a little on the large size and you need to keep looking good for him. Why should you stop wearing that fabulous pair of emerald earrings - so this is what you could do? 

Take up all the carpets and create a grunge look of bare floor boards for all your friends to admire.  No more steam cleaning and a problem of the steam getting at your Emerald earrings.

As for the liposuction problem - you send the other half for liposuction on his head, because that thickness you've noticed is soooo unattractive and needs a quick therapeutic remedy. Along with throwing all his clothes out of the bedroom window onto the front lawn.     

Opals

Normal wipe care with NO steam or ultrasonic cleaning. This gemstone does not like extremes of heat and will crack if its structural water is lost. So keep away from drying condition.

We therefore do not recommend a days safari trekking across the sun soaked desert on those lovely creatures called camels - wearing that full opal parure. The opal studded tiara will keep slipping off in the heat and may crack the opals needed replacements. Then that dratted spitting drooling camel will keep trying to eat the Opal ring...........   

Pearls

Again wipe clean only with a moist cloth drying after well. They can also be rinsed under water and then dried by gently patting with a dry cloth. This rinsing method is not recommended for a necklace as the string will deteriorate over time more rapidly. 

The same Above methods can be used for vintage faux pearl jewellery, but test in a place that can not be seen first - that the pearl coating will not deteriorate and come off when using a moist method. Some of the fish scale coated vintage jewellery will do this - so be very careful.

A moist cloth is one rung after soaking in water so that it feels just damp. Trying to wipe with an un-rung cloth is just a little plain silly. Because the odds are that pools of water will fall on your bare floor boards and you will slip over breaking your hip. Then you have to remove the glamorous pearl necklace, even though that awful nurse asked you too. Well you do want to look good for that dishy young surgeon. Knowing you luck because you have not worn your Alexandrite earrings all day - the string breaks and the lovely pearl beads cascade down the blood soaked trolley. So gracefully and in slow motion as they do in the movies with that dishy surgeon looking on gowned and masked - you do love a man in uniform. Then a few pearls lodge right by your new hip unnoticed. Not only does your leg stick out at an odd angle but it hurt like mad. As for the dishy surgeon, he heads of into the golden sunset with that awful nurse who is not wearing pearls and leaves you behind having corrective surgery.    

Peridot

Wipe clean care only NOT to use an ultrasonic cleaner or clean by the steam method. This gorgeous gemstone will damage under extreme temperature conditions so do not expose.

Another pussy of the gems world even though it is found on Mars. So for alien abduction you must not wear that lovely green Peridot pendant. Because the odds are (now do we have to mention lucky Alexandrite earrings again??) that the aliens are from Mercury. Just because its a little hotter there than earth or Mars for that matter - it will damage your Peridot pendant. In this situation a girls got to think of her appearance and lets face it ET is kind of cute in a funny lumpy gray matter sort of way. Again be careful of those wounds caused by the alien probes and the surgical instrument tray. Just stay clear as your purse hasn't quite recovered from last time. Alien also do not deal in money just planets for compensation. Maybe Flash that diamond pendant instead, along with your eyes is a good idea. Getting hitched to your lumpy gray alien being will protect you and your gemstones from alien domination. They have come to take our precious resource - all plant life by force. The fact this will leave gemstones billions of years in the future in short supply is totally not your problem. That is if there is anyone left of the human race to create gemstone jewellery.......      

Ruby

This gemstone will benefit from a wipe clean regime. Be warned that fillers are often used to fill the stones cavities and tiny microscopic voids, so is susceptible to damage from heat and some chemicals. Both steam cleaning and the ultrasonic method of cleaning is suitable.

Maybe this is the red gemstone to invest in? Lets face it a lot of work involved in taking up your carpets, so you will not have to steam clean them. Then when that bitchy neighbor from two doors down mentions that the Ruby stones match your eyes - you can accidentally on purpose blast her with the steam cleaner in your hand. She does not have her Alexandrite earrings on today (Lucky for you). But she does chase you around the neighbor hood on that spitting camel that she has tethered in her back garden. Something about opal ring and loosing it on her romantic holiday with Lawrence of the Arabia Geoff from three doors down.     

Sapphire

Gentle wipe clean method is ideal. Again a gemstone that has fillers for its voids and cavities, so more prone to heat and some chemical damage. Can be cleaned more thoroughly in a steam or ultrasonic cleaner.

An ideal gorgeous blue gemstone to wear, especially as you now have to help a vet with an injured camel. The ultrasound paddle just keeps getting a little close to your beautiful Sapphire ring. Do you really care that that vile creature, who drooled all over your jumper when chasing you down the street and then stumbled over the tree stump (left over from that recent alien invasion) has some tissue injury? No but the vet is just a tad dishy. But be careful and don't become too distracted looking into that gorgeous hunks deep blue eyes over a camel. The animals sedation may not be too good and it does have a liking for eating rings even Sapphire ones........  

Tanzanite

Routine wipe clean care only, NOT to be cleaned by the steam or ultrasonic method. Another beautiful gemstone that can be damaged by extreme temperature changes.

Your sparkling blue Tanzanite bracelet is the most favourite piece of jewellery you now wear.

Besides the gorgeous hunk of a vet brought it for you. Well your lumpy gray alien soul mate of yesterday has had to go back home pretty sharpish, leaving you heart broken and all alone. Why did the world's armies have to be such spoil sports and fight the alien invasion? At least you remember to be careful with this lovely Tanzanite bracelet and not wear it when you had that secret weekend away with Lawrence of Arabia Geoff at his villa in Egypt and that day of hot trekking on a camel - well that drooling animal did reminded you of your vet and how you first met. But now you so wish that you had taken it of before cooking Dishy Vet a lovely romantic meal. It accidentally fell onto the baking potatoes in the microwave. Those flashing light are nothing to do with love and cupid stars, just the microwave and potatoes on fire.         

Topaz

Wipe clean method only, NOT suitable for ultrasonic and steam cleaning methods. Colour treated topaz gems will fade under sunlight, so do not expose them to the sun for long periods.

With Topaz gemstone available in so many pretty colours, you have chosen a multi coloured topaz necklace to wear today. You brought it as compensation for your Dishy Vet hot footing it out of your apartment, just because the microwave fire had set fire to the curtains and settee. He left you in a dangerous fire situation. So much for undying love and all that rubbish! But those wonderful firemen rescued you and carried you to safety. However you are now wondering if it was such a good idea to wear your pretty Topaz necklace when bitchy neighbor from two doors down found out about you and Lawrence of Arabia Geoff's little secret affair. Staked alongside Lawrence of Arabia Geoff  to the roof of his villa in Egypt, you worry that weeks of exposure to the sun will ruin your Topaz necklace. Because no one knows you and Lawrence of Arabia Geoff are secretly there.  

     

Tourmaline

Give this piece of gemstone jewellery a wipe clean. You may also clean with a steam cleaner but NOT an ultrasonic cleaner.

Sporting a fabulous green Tourmaline brooch, you stand in the witness stand and give evidence against bitchy neighbor two doors down. Rescued by the fireman friends from your house fire, so lucky that they were on a stag weekend in Egypt (never leave home without wearing your lucky Alexandrite earrings) and were taking up your kind offer of a jacuzzi party. Lawrence of Arabia Geoff was not so lucky and hospitalized long term for damage to a part of his anatomy. The sparkling light from your Topaz necklace had kept the vultures away from you, but the gemstones had unfortunately faded. Lawrence of Arabia Geoff was not so lucky from the vultures out hunting worms to eat. 

You've also now brought one of those new inventions called ovens instead of a microwave. Well a girl can not be too careful with her gems. Back to the court room and the Topaz brooch pinned to your top catches the eye of the judge; and you smile. 

Zircon

Preserve this gemstone with a wipe clean. The colour enhanced zircons will fade when exposed to sunlight for prolonged periods. Can use a steam cleaner but NOT an ultrasonic cleaner.

Now you have learnt your lesson on not wearing gemstones that are likely to fade when exposed to sunlight for long periods. So your Zircon antique jewellery set remains inside the villa in Egypt with all your other jewels and a gorgeous Opal tiara you found in the kitchen. 

The Zircon jewellery was brought as a gift by your new boyfriend Judge Dave, who is so thoughtful and just happens to be sitting next to your sun lounger. Lawrence of Arabia Geoff strides like a cowboy across the villa's patio. Shame about his voice that's never been the same since Bitchy Neighbor's revenge staking. He has a tray of cooling drinks from the kitchen for you and Judge Dave. The patio slabs are now clean, sparkling and ready for the BBQ party, Its been steam cleaned by a few lads from the fire service. The firemen have now started on the villa's carpets with strict instruction not to go anywhere near your Peridot pendant stored in a space cruiser parked in the hall way.  The smell of roasting camel reaches your nostrils, cooked tenderly by that dishy surgeon from the pearl incident. Turns out Bitchy neighbor was that awful nurse and you did not recognize her in her uniform. Pity she's doing a ten year stretch for attempted murder. On the other sun loungers by the pool is your Lumpy Gray Alien Being and a few of his alien friends. He brought a few mates to help clear the grounds for a larger pool, just because you mentioned to him your need for a larger one with all the friends you now have. He is so thoughtful too. The aliens are relaxing and enjoying a drink after a day's hard work. 

Isn't life and gemstones wonderful you think to yourself, providing you care for them well. But it does seem a lot of trees and grass cleared for one bigger pool........